I will straight-up punch you in the face if you do not shut up.
- There is no... - A straight-up face punch.
I swear to God, you're gonna get me killed.
- Hey, yo. - That is...
Shit! She just tried to grab my dick, dude!
- What? You tried to grab his... - She tried to grab my junk.
She was like, "Oh, my God, I have arthritis,
"it hurts my hand, I need to grab a handful of that dick."
I was like, "Get the fuck off me!"
She said, "I need to grab a handful of that dick"?
And it felt good, but then it felt weird for a second,
so I pushed her. We got to get out of here.
All right, cool, let's get the...
So your parents are just cool with having people over whenever?
Yeah, you know, they're out most nights.
Pretty laissez-faire about the whole thing.
You're so lucky your parents don't give a shit about you.
Right?
- This place is awesome. - Yeah.
Hey.
Hey, what's up?
How's it going?
Wow, that's a bigger hug than I was expecting.
Sorry. I'm happy to see you.
Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
- Hey. - Hey.
Good?
- All right, come on. - Yeah, let's...
I brought tacos, so that's cool.
Try to turn it, try to turn it, spoiler alert
Spoiler alert, spoiler alert!
Hey, boys, this eco-pussy is going down today.
Take down eco-pussy
Take down eco-pussy!
Mother Earth, Mother Earth is dying
And when it rains
It means that beautiful bitch is crying
- It's really not a planet. - It's for sure a planet.
Pluto is a planet.
- It's ready! - It used to be a planet.
- It's ready. - Not any more.
Reduce, reuse
Recycle
I'm embarrassed.
- I always feel exposed after playing. - Do not feel exposed.
I got to use the bathroom.
- Is it in there? - Yeah, yeah, right up there, dude.
All right, all right, all right, all right. God damn that.
The mic is live and we can hear how the other half lives.
What are you doing?
I heard something.
Hey, can I ask you something? Sit down.
Okay.
I just want to make sure that you and Eric are going to be careful
with whatever it is that you're getting involved in.
Yeah, I promise we will.
It would just suck if something bad happened,
because you're a good guy.
Yeah, no, I feel the same way about you,
except girl version.
You're a girl.
- I am. - Yeah.
That's why I put this dress on,
- To remind you. - Exactly.
- Are you excited about the play? - Yes.
Yeah, you were just
- Right in there with excitement. - Yes.
- No hesitash. - I'm very excited.
Yeah.
Does that make me a super nerd?
No, not at all.
We get to act together:
What a vagina. He has no chance with her.
So...
- Shit. - Sorry.
You're on the prom committee.
Do you think it's going to be fun?
Did she just bring up prom on her own?
- She did, she just brought up prom. - What is she doing?
I think it's going to be awesome.
- Prom eats a dong. - Multiple dongs.
All right, anyone who says
they don't care about prom actually secretly does.
Who we gonna take to the prom? No one's going to prom with us.
Come on, picture it. You pull up in a white stallion of a limo.
You got fine-ass honeys with you.
You're dressed to the nines with your best buds.
Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.
Doves. Why doves?
'Cause doves make you look like a badass, that's why.
I am pretty skeptical,
but maybe, if someone fun asked me, I would go.
Aren't... Isn't... Aren't you and Eric...
Wouldn't you and Eric go together?
Not that I know of.
Would you...
He's going to choke.
He always chokes. He's going to choke, wait for it.
So would...
Would you...
Mayb...
- Oh, my God. Are you okay? - Yeah.
That is the actual sound of choking.
I was wondering if you...
Would you
maybe want to go
with me to prom?
Would you want to go to me... Maybe with me to prom?
Yes.
I would love to go to prom with you.
What? She just said yes!
- Whoa. - Wow.
Good for you, Doug.
Thank you for asking.
Put her there, man.
Just put... Put it right there.
I'm putting it right there.
Yeah. There you guys are.
What's up, my man?
- Hi. - How you doing?
- Whazzup? - Yeah.
Doug... Okay, settle an argument.
You and your brother aren't related, right?
'Cause you look totally different.
He's adopted.
We all suspect from a very lame family.
Where is he tonight?
Probably at home with those lame tools he hangs out with. I don't know.
You know how Tom Cruise is always pissed off at Rain Man?
That's like my life, except Brad is really shitty at math.
Your brother's kind of a dick.
Well, yeah.
He kind of is, isn't he?
Don't listen to that.
I don't give a fuck.
Dude, Eric is the funniest IM-er.
Oh, fuck.
Hey, guys. It's so funny seeing you here.
How are you? Guess what, I don't care.
We just closed our third high school operation.
And check what we found at Kennedy.
Looks like we're going to have to do your job for you.
Your drugs is spreading to different schools now, sucker.
You failed to stop the outbreak, and you have no leads!
We are running out of time!
You either find the supplier,
or I'm gonna jump your asses off Jump Street!
I totally understand where you're coming from, sir,
but, look, I heard Eric talking on the phone yesterday
with somebody that sounded very suspect
about meeting up with a stuffed piņata.
Is that a code for sex?
- Piņata? Really? - Yep.
Remember that wiretap I put on Eric's phone?
While you were having the time of your life last night, I was listening.
I overheard a phone call between Eric and some dude about a piņata.
That's all you heard?
Yep.
I am so nervous.
We are about to premiere in front of the whole school.
I apologize in advance if I throw up on you onstage.
Serious question, though.
How do I look?
Ravishing.
Is it too sexy of an outfit?
Bend the knee a little bit.
Yep, it is.
It's going to be so much easier having you onstage with me.
I am so happy that I met you.
You're, like, the only guy that I can really trust.
Yep. That's me.
Doug.
Potassium nitrate.
Don't hate. It's great.
It can act as an oxidizer.
I didn't know that, but now I'm wiser.
It has a crystalline structure.
If you can't respect that, you're a butt muncher.
It's a key ingredient in gunpowder.
K-NO-three, don't give no grief.
It can be used to make corned beef.
It's also known as saltpeter.
- Brad? - Shit.
Where are you going?
I don't want to look like it's like I'm wearing makeup.
- Right. - Doug! Hi.
Brad!
Whoa. What are you wearing?
Potassium nitrate. Thanks for noticing.
I need to borrow you.
Now's not a good time, Brad.
It's a really good time.
'Cause my piņata is killing me.
Is that code for a sex thing?
It's leaving the parking lot.
Piņata?
Molly.
I will be right back. I need to help Brad with something, okay?
I just need to help Brad with something real quick.
- What? No. What? - I promise you...
Do you understand how soon the show is starting?
I swear to you I will be back in time for curtain.
- I swear. I swear to you. - Tell me you understand how soon...
What? Are you kidding me?
What did I say? What did I say?
See? Whose wiretap is working for him now, huh?
Shit.
Fuck!
You told me not to worry about the tickets!
I thought they made us look cool.
- Cones, cones... - Driver's ed car.
- I'm driving. - No, you're not.
- I never get to drive. I'm driving this time. - Fine! Drive!
- Hey, guys. - Just borrowing this for one sec.
- Sure. - Go. Go, go, go, go.
Guys, hey, wait. Guys, you're not on the list.
Hey, guys, wait! Who cares?
- Holy fucking shit. - No fucking way.
Those are the guys from the park.
That's just too crazy.
What do you think's in that thing?
I don't know, money, drugs.
They could be a new buyer, or they could be the supplier.
If it's good, you'll hear from me.
If it's not good, you'll hear from me about telling you how it's not good.
Makes sense.
- Get the fuck out of here. - Yeah, no worries, man.
I'll see you guys.
We definitely got to follow them and find out, though.
- Get down! Get down! - Get down! Get down!
- What are you doing? - If they see us,
just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
- What? No! - Yes. Stop.
You pretend like you're sucking my dick.
No, just pretend like you're sucking my dick.
Why am I automatically blowing you?
'Cause you're in a fucking Peter Pan costume!
Okay.
Okay, let's go. Let's go, let's go.
- Go, go, go. - Okay, fine, we'll follow them.
But we need to be back in 30 minutes for curtain.
Dude, did you just hit the teacher brake?
Yeah, you're following too close, dude.
- They're going to make us. - Well, if I go too far back,
it's going to look even more suspicious, so just stop.
God, just let me do my thing.
I know what I'm doing.
Seriously, if you do that again, I'm going to Whac-A-Mole you in the balls.
Just stay back.
- I could not be more serious. - Take your foot off the brake.
- No. I'm not... No. - Take your foot off the brake!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- Look what you did! - Look what you did!
What the fuck? You non-driving motherfuckers!
Get the fuck out of the car!
- Oh, fuck. - Lock the door! Lock the door!
What do I do? Go away!
What are you, a fucking Keebler Elf?
Get him out of that car!
- No, no! - It's fucking ZZ Top!
- No, no! No, no, no! - It's fucking ZZ Top!
Like an angry walrus!
- I stomp the car now! - Oh, my God!
- Stomp! Stomp! - Oh, shit.
- Okay. Okay. - Oh, my God! Stop, dude! Go!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Just let me drive! - Stop hitting me!
Dude, watch out!
Will you stop front-seat driving? Get your hands off the wheel!
Man, you just hit two people back there!
- You stop. I'm not... - Take your hands off. Shit!
- We're stuck in traffic! - Oh, shit.
- Shit, they're coming! They're coming! - What?
Oh, my God, dude.
What do we do?
What the... What the...
Oh, Shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit. - What's wrong with you? Run!
I can't! I'm wearing tights!
I got skinny jeans on! It's the same fucking thing!
They're going to make us, or kill us.
- Porsche! Porsche! - Police! Get out of the car, douche!
I'm on a call here, jackass.
That's right. Go to sleep, bitch. You just got head-butted, motherfucker!
- Go, go, go, go, go, go! - Shit.
Check around for a gun or something, all right?
Where? Where? There's no glove compartment
in this shitty-ass car! There's golf balls and this.
- What am I supposed to do with this? - I don't know, man!
I've never been in a freeway chase before!
Watch out! It's going to explode! It's going to go!
- What happened? - I don't know.
- It just didn't explode. - That's weird.
Can anybody tell me where my Peter is?
French! You're not my first choice, but I need you to go on as Peter.
Oh, gosh. And I've been in character for months now.
Great. Nobody cares.
Come on! Another traffic jam?
I'm sorry I didn't check the traffic report
- Before we got in a car chase! - Let's go! Come on!
- Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go! - Shit!
- Are you texting? - No, I'm not texting!
- Yes, you are! You're texting! - No, I'm not!
Okay, almost done.
I'm driving!
Why do you always jump over the car like that?
Hi. Hi. How are you?
- Hi. - God damn, you are beautiful.
- Oh. Hi. - You are fine as shit.
Don't worry. Someone will pick you up.
- Wow. - Hurry. Just drive.
Wait. Pick me up?
- They're coming! They're coming! - I got an idea.
Why don't you text them and ask them to stop chasing us?
Oh, shit!
He's got a gun!
I'm going to throw this thing at him!
Okay, you don't have to narrate everything!
- Just throw it! - Okay! Okay, okay!
- It's going to explode! - Oh, my God! Roll up the windows!
- What the fuck is that going to do? - Roll it up!
- I don't fucking care! Just do it! - Oh, God!
I really thought that one was going to explode.
Oh, shit!
Look in the glove compartment for a gun.
What are you talking about? We're in a pink Bug!
I don't care. Look in the goddamn glove compartment!
What the hell?
- Shoot. - Oh, my God. Okay! Okay!
Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!
Can't get a good shot, man! I can't get a good shot!
- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. - Take the shot!
Take the shot! Just shoot him! Let's go!
Shit, shit, Shit, Shit, shit, shit, shit.
- Shoot! Shoot! - Shit, shit...
That's what exploded? Holy shit. That was crazy.
Why did you shoot for me?
You weren't shooting, you were choking,
- So I had to save us. - I was going to shoot.
- You always do this, every single time. - What?
Seriously, just take me back to school, man.
If I miss this play, Molly's going to freak out and she's not going to go to prom with me.
- Are you fucking serious right now? - Fuck, yes, I'm serious!
Can't believe you made me late. You're so selfish.
- I'm selfish? - Yes, you're selfish!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Look at yourself!
You're in too deep, man.
Yesterday, I found a college application on your desk!
I don't know how long this case is going to last.
And Eric's going to get into Berkeley, and, honestly, I can get in, too.
Who knows? I could ride this thing out. I could be a doctor or something.
Have you lost your fucking mind?
You screwed this investigation all up.
At least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot.
You are a very silly man indeed.
Boys, squaws, come quickly.
Hey! Sorry! It's okay. I'm here.
I know I missed the first few scenes.
I want to thank... Give it up to French Samuels
- For ably backing me up. - Fuck you, Doug! What?
I say we just roll right into this thing, huh?
This is my twin. We're together in...
Get the fuck out of here.
What are you doing? Have you completely lost your mind?
What is this?
I don't know, but it's already more exciting.
You're embarrassing me.
It's okay. I'll make it up to you.
And... Let's fly!
- Such bullshit! - Get off of me!
I'm not dumb! I'm smart!
You think I'm stupid? You're stupid!
- Go, Doug! - I guess I should do something.
I should probably not just stand here watching.
I should take action.
Worst best friend ever!
Molly, I'm sorry!
I don't want to talk to you ever again.
I'm sorry.
You stupid idiot!
- Come here! - Come on!
Make fun of me behind my back and everybody laughs at me?
I was a loser for four years! You couldn't handle it for five minutes!
Have some fairy dust, motherfucker!
Hey, guys, no!
I heard you call me Rain Man, you asshole!
Principal Dadier sucks dick!
You're supposed to be my friend!
Stop! Stop it. You're expelled. Both of you are expelled.
And that's the end of Act Two.
Is that it? You're not going to scream at us?
Nope.
I'm gonna just fire you.
Moving out?
Yep.
You know what's crazy to me
is that I think that I actually thought that we were brothers.
I would've tooken a bullet for you.
Get in now. Both of you.
Why should I?
Just get in the car, man.
Get in the fucking car.
Nope, not until you ask nicely.
Please get in the car.
Come on, you guys. Come on. Please. Jesus.
Some messed up shit went down yesterday.
Yeah, after we made the exchange,
our potential business partners got followed by some fucking cops.
That's insane, man.
Are you serious?
Okay, it's just I don't want to go to jail!
You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail?
It rhymes with "grape"!
It rhymes with "grape."
I can't let that happen.
So I got these from my dad's gun cabinet.
- Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric. - Whoa. Come on. Whoa.
Springfield .45s, police issue. Very powerful guns.
You ever use one?
- We're not really gun people, man. No. - No?
A lot of things have made me wonder about you.
Come on.
Your taste in music
The fact that you look like a fucking 40-year-old man.
Then after that shit at the play, I realized
there's no way you guys could be cops.
Yeah, I got this deal going down. The supplier's going to be there.
I need people I can trust.
All right. All right, come on.
Okay, right over here, we're going to shoot these bottles.
- We're going to practice, okay? - Okay.
That was... That was actually really fuckin' awesome.
Beginner's luck.
All right.
The supplier wants the deal to go down at prom.
All right, there's going to be all these heavies there,
but as long as you guys have my back...
Yeah? Yeah? Shit.
I always got your back.
Time to get our jobs back.
Let's get ready for prom.
Schmidty! Chore time!
Mom, we don't have time for chores right now!
If you stay in this house, you have time for chores!
Mom!
Fuck this thing.
Here.
It'll be quicker if I help.
There you go.
Thanks.
Your shotgun's hanging too low.
They're gonna see it.
Thanks.
Jenko...
Will you go to prom with me?
I guess.
Are we really going to take down a whole drug operation by ourselves?
I got some contacts that'll help us.
Brad, what are you doing here? You can't be here.
What if the principal sees you?
- This is wrong, yet so right. - What?
I am so happy you're willing to get in trouble for me.
You have to go. Please, don't leave me ever.
Ms. Griggs, stop. Stop.
- Stay! Stay. - Stop.
- What? - Stay.
- Go! "Okay
- Stay. - Stop. Stop -
- I'm lost without you. - What?
Get out of me. I'm going to throw up.
You are so hot!
All right.
Hey, pumpkin head.
I'm very mad at you. Dance with me.
- Are you on that shit? - So what if I am?
Look, Molly, some serious stuff is about to go down,
and I don't want you to get hurt.
I've already been hurt, Doug. I don't care.
You need to leave. You need to leave. You need to get out of here right now.
Making a lot of hand gestures!
Okay, my name's not Doug.
- It's Schmidt. - What?
- And I'm a cop. - What?
Okay, and I care about you, and I don't want you to get busted,
so you have to leave right now.
Leave the prom right now, Molly.
- I'm serious. - Hey. Hey.
Penthouse now. Supplier's waiting.
- What are you? - Come on. Hey, come on.
- Supplier's waiting. - Is that Eric?
- Molly, leave right now. - What are you...
- Just leave right now! - What is this?
Mr. Walters?
Hey!
Beautiful Brad, and his brother.
Wow. You look great.
You're the supplier? You're a teacher.
And I was stuck on a teacher's salary, bro.
Could barely pay my alimony. What are you gonna do?
Oh, yeah.
You boys are so good at this.
Oh, yeah, Cinnamon!
Oh, my God, we're getting such good evidence.
I stole some of that Bunsen burner crap
from the chem lab, threw in some of my Cool Deets,
and it was muy deliciosol
Then one day I catch Eco Butt-munch over here
smoking a J.J. behind the field house,
and I'm like, "Hey, you want to make some coin?"
What a green penis that guy is, huh?
There's my quesadilla.
I hurt my hands!
Bitch.
Oh, shit.
You guys look crazy scary.
How many of you are there?
A lot.
Karl.
Patch looks pimp, man.
Thank you.
He's gonna recognize us, man.
I'm freaking out.
This is Walters, he made the stuff.
- Real pleasure to meet you. - Fuck what his name is.
Your shit's good.
Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.
What, you having a party now?
Who are these two motherfuckers?
Fuck!
- Hey. - Hey. How's it going?
Nah, nah, it's cool, man, they're my boys, so...
- Are they? - Yeah.
I don't like strangers.
How do you ever expect to make any new friends with that attitude?
It's, like, everyone's a stranger till you give them a chance, man.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I don't even...
Just fuckin' around.
Do your thing, man. Proceed
Hey, kid, come here.
You, you look familiar.
- Me? - Yeah.
I was in a French fry commercial when I was a kid,
so people are like, you know, often say, "Oh, I think I know you,"
but I don't think we've ever met before.
Do I look like I eat French fries?
I don't know, you look like you're in great shape,
but maybe you have, like, one cheat day, like a carb blowout, you know? I don't know.
Nah.
Yeah, the theme song was, like...
Come to Andrew's French Fry Emporium
Where friendship and French fries
Go hand in hand
That's my quesadilla!
Who wants a piece? Huh?
I know you're in there, Doug, or whatever your name is!
You lied to me!
I'm gonna kill you, you stupid fucking cop!
Hey, you guys, she just called me a stupid fucking cock. That's rude.
Dickhead narc motherfucker!
Did she just say "nickhead dark motherfucker"?
That's just racist.
I know these two.
Your boys are cops! They're cops!
Police! Get on the ground!
You get on the fuckin' ground!
- We asked you first! - I don't give a damn!
You're fucking cops?
But we partied together, man.
You bought us Taco Bell.
Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.
You made me this friendship bracelet.
Well, he's not really your friend. He was pretending the whole time.
I'm gonna cut this the fuck off later, all right?
What the fuck is going on?
Shut this kid up!
- Him, too. - No, no! Hey, wait!
No, no, no. Listen, I'm with you guys!
I didn't know these guys were cops!
I'm getting out of here.
I fucking hate you!
Get that out of my face!
- Molly! - Oh, there you are!
What the fuck!
Drop your guns, or I'll spray her brains all over the room!
Trying to take a hostage, some goddamn TV show shit?
I don't know! I'm trying to help, all right? I've never done this shit before.
Well, you're fucking up.
- Drop the guns or she's dead! - She looks dead already.
What? No.
Jesus.
Yeah, I can hear her breathing.
She just passed out from the drugs. We're good.
Drop the guns or...
All right, all right, just chill out.
We're gonna drop our guns.
You got to let the kids go, and no one's gonna die, okay?
Just drop the guns, and kick them over here.
D.B., shoot these motherfuckers.
Oh, come on, that's unfair! We put our guns down in good faith.
You're a liar, and you're mean!
- That's unfair. - We're all friends here.
Let's just relax, and we can all leave here as friends.
- Yeah, let's do that. - Y'all boys are stupid.
Oh, my God, we're gonna die. We're gonna die.
God damn it!
Tom Hanson, DEA! On your knees!
What the fuck?
- Now! - Fuck!
Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!
Guns down, all of you! Domingo, tell them!
Put them down.
Nice! Yes!
Shut the fuck up!
You little dweebs just ruined a five-year investigation.
We had no idea.
You're, like, an amazing actor, man.
You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!
Tough titty. I fucked her, too.
What?
You little turds.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this?
Do you see this nose?
That is a fake nose.
Do you want to wear a fake nose on your fuckin' head
for, like, months on end? Glue and shit?
Worse things in the world.
We had to get fuckin' tattoos on our dicks, man.
Hey, actually, I just said that
- To mess with you. - What?
Looks tough.
Look, we know what it's like being undercover.
Metro Police, Jump Street Division.
Come on, you guys are Jump Street?
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.
- What? - Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God! - Oh, shit.
Oh, my God, dude!
Get them!
Motherfucker!
Shoot them!
Fuck that.
That was a gun.
Somebody definitely got shot.
All right.
Here, take the money, all right? We're getting out of here.
Did I hit anything?
You were shooting at the fuckin' ceiling.
Doug.
I know sometimes I was a jerk to you
when we were undercover.
It's just... I didn't feel good about myself.
All that stuff I wore, like the bracelets, the rings, the tight pants,
was just so
that people would think I'm cool.
The only approval
that I ever needed
was my best friend.
Thanks, man.
The money's gone!
Come on, let's roll.
We gotta get out of here, man.
Are you telling me it's on?
- Let's do this. - Let's make a baby.
- What? What are you talking about? - I don't know.
I was trying to sound cool. Sorry.
That was crazy! You killed a guy!
Oh, fuckin' shit!
Hey, hey, we'll lose them in the prom! Go!
Go, go: go'
Where'd they go?
Molly!
Shit!
- You want to drive? - Yeah, I do, actually
Okay, cool.
- Nice! - Did it look cool when I did it?
- That's what I'm talking about! - Yeah!
How you guys doing back there, huh?
God, I love high school!
Best prom night ever!
- Shoot them! - Stay on them!
I'm on them! I'm on them!
Oh, good, you guys, come hang out with me back here.
- Oh, fuck, dude. Lisa, what are you doing? - Did she pass out back there?
Hey, you got a gun. Why don't you shoot back there?
Shoot that gun, shoot that gun!
All right, one second!
Just shoot someone, you bitch!
Peek-a-boo!
Give me my money!
Fuck that! Fuck that! No! No!
I can't do this! I'm supposed to go to Berkeley!
I'm gonna get the party started!
- I'm gonna get the party started! - No! No! Lisa, no!
Hey, I'm living my dream of standing in a limo!
What?
- You're killing my dream! - Come in.
- What? I'm trying to party. - Down!
Bitch!
What? Fuck!
I'll kill you!
Kill you!
- No! No! - Stay where you are.
Go! Go, go!
No! Stop!
I'm not fucking kidding! Look, I'm trying to shoot people!
Will you stop! Just for two seconds!
You're really hot and you're really slutty and it's awesome,
but I got to shoot people right now!
You think I'm hot?
Iwanna... Oh, my God!
Wait, guys! Call me!
Let me know where you're ending up later.
I'm almost out of ammo.
We're fucked.
Give me my money!
I got an idea.
- You still got those shotgun shells? - Yeah.
Pop Quiznos.
What do you get when lithium batteries react to potassium nitrate?
That would be a covalent bond, brother.
That's when two atoms, they share electrons.
You see, they both need what the other one has.
That makes them stick together.
Are you saying we're covalent bonds?
What? No.
We're not atoms, dude.
- What's this? - Tequila?
I don't know, it was supposed to explode.
Oh, shit!
Where'd you learn how to do that, man?
App chemistry, bitch.
Come on, blondie.
Molly!
Drop your weapon!
Don't you fuckin' pull that arm up.
Don't.
Looks like you're out of ammo, asshole!
Come on! Get out here!
- What? What's going on? - All right.
All right, here's the deal. Nobody moves, or she's gonna get hurt.
Do you understand? Nobody move!
- All right. - Eric, help me.
Don't you have a gun?
All right, don't move!
- Come on, let's go. Let's go. - No!
- Hey! Hey, hey! - Hey, no, no, I said don't move!
- Oh, fuck, you shot him! - Oh, God!
Are you okay?
You shot my partner, you motherfucker!
I didn't mean to shoot you! I meant to shoot him!
Are you alive, buddy? You okay? You took a bullet for me, man.
Yeah, I'm feeling a little ambivalent about that right now.
Didn't you hear me? I said don't move! I said that! You heard, right?
Eric, you heard me!
- I said don't move! - Eric, help me!
- You got this. - Hey, hold still.
Freeze!
Shoot!
Come on.
You peaked in high school, motherfucker.
Oh, shit.
I shot him in the dick.
You shot me in the dick!
Oh, my God!
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
You are under arrest!
- It definitely came out my asshole! - You have the right to remain silent!
Anything you say can and will be used against you
in a court of law!
You have the right to an attorney!
If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you!
Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?
Fuck you! Bitch!
Yes! Yes!
We did it, man!
We did it.
God, I feel so good.
We did it, man!
You're a goddamn rock star.
Do you feel that?
God damn, you're so cool.
You just shot him in the dick.
I've never seen that. Who does that?
Look, I'm sorry I called you Rain Man.
I know I didn't say you were, but you're smart.
You're a smart guy, and you're thoughtful,
and you're sincere and you're sweet and you're loyal...
And I fuckin' cherish you.
Should we high-five?
My hand!
Are you all right? Should we get you to the hospital, man?
- Yeah, I think we need to call somebody. - Hey, call somebody!
I got to get my dick sewn back on.
- You shut the fuck up. - Hey, you shut up.
- That's not funny. - Is that it?
What?
That's my dick!
Pick up my dick! Please!
No, we're not picking up your dick.
Fuckin' pick my dick up!
Oh, fuck!
He's my friend.
They don't serve vegan in jail, bitch.
Hey.
Molly...
I'm really sorry.
I know you wanted a guy to trust, and I wanted to be that person so badly.
And I let you down in a lot of ways.
And...
It's good that you're mad at me.
I think it's good. I think you should be mad at more guys,
because you deserve a guy who's good and who doesn't lie to you.
And you should never settle for less than that.
There are good guys out there
who aren't assholes like me.
Thanks for saving my life,
asshole.
Put her there, partner.
I'll come back later.
We're, like, in the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our actual life.
It's crazy.
- Number one or two? - Three.
- Sam Jackson one. Yeah! - Sam Jackson style.
Boom, motherfuckers! What's going on? Come on!
Where is he? There's my guy!
There he is! That's him. That's him.
- Enough. - Too long on the hug.
Congratulations, you crazy, sick, vigilante motherfuckers.
You got your first arrest, huh?
- Look. Got something made for you. - You didn't!
- Come on. All right, all right. - Enough. Enough.
New assignment.
Since you two cowboys love to drink booze,
smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans
with low self-esteem,
I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.
Oh, I love Disneyland!
You two sons of bitches are going to college!
"Yes! - No!
Boo-yah!
Oh, my God! You're like two Hardy Boys in one!
Oh, fuck!
Hey, why are you here, Scott?
What, Kennedy High isn't having any parties tonight?